Mere Conjecture: In The Mind of Judas Iscariot

Mere Conjecture: In The Mind of Judas Iscariot

What have I done? What kind of a fool have I been to let my emotions get away from me.  I had a really good thing going with the Pharisees.  I was working my way up.  I finally had the ear of some of the most influential teachers in all of Jerusalem.  And then I threw it all away to hook my cart to Jesus’ rising star. I thought that since he was the main attraction, if I could position myself close to him, when he rose, I would rise with him.  I thought that because of Jesus’ fame and the business sense that I could bring to his Movement, that everyone would know the name of Judas Iscariot for generations to come. Everyone would know my name as the one who made Jesus famous.  I would be famous forever.  My name would have been a household word.  Now, if I don’t figure a way out of this, I will be just another nobody like those people Jesus has been wasting his time ministering to. What happened? Everything was going great.

Then Jesus starts spouting all this “I have to die” stuff.  He’s been saying it for weeks and nobody is listening to him. The others weren’t getting what he was saying when he was talking about being “lifted up” and “where I am going, you cannot come”.  Jesus is suicidal.  Who in their right mind would willingly choose a suicidal leader?  If he dies, everybody associated with him will die, too. Those guys can be so thick sometimes…so naïve.  Even Mary doesn’t get it.  But I know exactly what he’s saying.  He sees the end of the ride ahead.  Jesus knows he has pushed things too far and that there’s no going back for him.  He knows he’s doomed and he just doesn’t have the heart to tell us in plain, simple Hebrew what he knows is going to happen.  He knows that he has run out of room to run, and that the Sanhedrin has outmaneuvered him.  I tried to tell him not to be so extravagant and generous with the outcasts. I tried to tell him we’d fine if we just stayed out of Jerusalem.  I knew that he would be a threat to some powerful people there.  Jesus should have listened to me.  I could have made him a rich man, a powerful man.  And I could have made a few pretty pieces of silver for myself, too. We could have ridden this popularity right to the top of society…listen to that crowd out there shouting to Jesus – “Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!” Man, how could I have been so stupid?  I threw away my place among the Pharisees to follow a doomed crazy man.  I have betrayed my people for this?

Maybe it’s not too late.  Maybe there is a way to get back into the good graces of the Temple.  Caiaphas hates Jesus.  The Pharisees hate Caiaphas, but he is the enemy they know.  If I can show myself to be loyal to the Sanhedrin, maybe I can make a place for myself in their graces and they’ll forgive me for falling away and following this fool. Maybe I can claim temporary insanity or something.  I will go and talk to them and see if I can work a deal.  They need somebody on the inside working for them.  Maybe I can be that somebody.  Maybe it’s not too late.  If I can just convince them that this has been my intention all along…that my cover had to look sincere in order to gain their trust…maybe I can still get my status back without falling into disgrace with these people.  It’s the day before the Sabbath.  I think I know where I can find them.

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